I know I was born, and I know that I'll die...

Yeah, its been a while, I know.

Well last we heard, I fucked up, and decided in order to fix the aforementioned problem, I need to leave distractions, start again back home. Which is what I did. Mostly.

Started with construction again...gots to make that money. Even if it is in the ridiculous heat, outside, doing manual labor. But hey, I just thought of it as punishing myself for being stupid. Because well, I didn't like doing construction anymore. The wonder of looking at a completed house that I helped build...yeah that flew out the damn window...its hot, I don't like it. Well, I had planned on stopping construction the end of July. Well my body told me that I need to end sooner. Essentially I got an overuse injury, 3 main nerves in each hand got compressed and irritated, and felt like they were on fire whenever I would grip something...not fun. I quit about a month earlier than intended. I am not a physical therapy patient. having a difficult job finding any jobs at PT clinics that aren't 25 or so miles away. But my hands are almost back to normal, almost have complete strength back. Good times.

Not do good times. I had planned my 3rd tattoo, made an appointment and everything. Had 4 hours scheduled for the pack piece that I want. Well, without the extra grand or so that I had planned on earning, I had to cancel...very not fun.

But oh well, such is life. Good news, tomorrow I head off to Chicago to visit a couple of friends, then after a week in Chicago I fly to Utah for a family reunion. 2 weeks not in the arizona hell...oh this should be good. Oh yeah, and the whole flying somewhere for the first time, and being east of arizona for the first time.

I might actually write something more in depth as far as how I'm doing on the inside. I'm a big ol' bundle of confusion and frustration...when I let myself think about it. Which I'm not gonna do. So I'm a gonna run away for a while, and see if my mind sorts itself out (not going to I know...but I want to enjoy my vacation)

Yeah that's it for now.

I really don't want to leave my job up here in Flag. I honestly love every aspect of it. I couldn't ask for a better boss or co-workers. And the patients are already almost making me cry as they say their goodbye's.

All I know is that whatever clinic I get a job at in the valley has a hell of a lot to live up to.


And this is a little edit to what I just wrote:

I just got back from the going away party that my co-workers threw for me. It was at a pub. How cool is my boss? We drank and played pool, and laughed so damn much. My face and stomach hurt from laughing. And they almost started crying then, but everyone refused to say "good-bye". Damn...I'm gonna miss my little family at Personal Care

My mistakes have been made...its time to make the most of what I've left myself. Endless nights have been spent wondering, worrying, doubting. Insomnia is the only result that comes from all that. Two months...very little sleep. Starting to draw away from everyone. Sitting in my room alone, lying in bed, no sound. No sound but the thoughts running thorugh my head, the doubts running through my head. You fucked up once, whose to say that the change of scenery is going to change anything?

Can't be a recluse, go out, hang with friends...but I'm not all there. I think I hide it well, who the fuck knows, sometimes I'm transparent when I think I'm opaque. Gotta be there for my friends. Be there for someone else when I can't be there for myself.

Stop being dramatic. You haven't fucked up that bad. You can still fix this. Get your ass in gear, stop wallowing in self pity. So you fucked up...big fucking deal, you're not perfect, you're no where near. Deal with it. Your time of always excelling had to come to an end sometime. Be thankful for the fact that your parents are understanding, be thankful for the fact that everyone knows that mistakes happen, shit happens. Pick yourself up. Stop being a little pussy baby.

I've made my plans...all I can do now is follow though...right?

I was this old when I first:

FELL IN LOVE - 16
LOST SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU- n/a
DRANK ALCOHOL- 16
SMOKED WEED- 18 or 19 don't remeber which
GOT KISSED - 15
WENT TO THE HOSPITAL - 8
GOT YOUR HEART BROKEN - 19
LOST A PET- umm...11ish?
GOT ARRESTED- n/a But got a criminal record..20
SMOKED A CIGARETE- 18
BROKE A BONE- n/a
GOT A JOB- 15
GOT CHEATED ON- 19
CHEATED ON SOMEONE- never
GOT A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND- 15
RODE THE CITY BUS- n/a
WENT TO A CONCERT- 14ish?
MET SOMEONE FAMOUS- Met Mark West once, he played with the Suns in the 90's but thats about it.
GOT IN A CAR CRASH- n/a
DYED YOUR HAIR- n/a
RODE AN AIRPLANE- 19
WENT TO ANOTHER STATE- 3 or 4

How Many:

LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS HAVE YOU BEEN IN- 1
TIMES HAS YOUR HEART BEEN BROKEN- 1
PETS DO YOU HAVE- none
PEOPLE DO YOU HATE- There is nobody worth the energy of hating. And I don't even think about the people I dislike
TIMES HAVE YOU HAVE BEEN DUMPED- three time
TIMES HAVE YOU DUMPED SOMEONE- once

I think I may be more boring than Ashleigh, at least when it comes to this little survey

So I honestly don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I thought that maybe it was just the adapting to the college life that fucked me over in my second semester. But then I fucked up again my third semester...and I'm fucking up my fourth. I don't know why I just don't care. I allow myself to get distracted up here far to easily. I'm rarely in my room. I maybe sleep in my own room 3 nights of the week, usually less. I drink about 5 days of the week, I don't necessarily get drunk, but I drink. I wake up in time to go to my classes, and then I go back to sleep. I have 2 classes that I actually go to, the rest I just show up for the tests. And I do stupid shit that I would never do if I wasn't up here. Like last monday night, a bunch of us, with alcohol as an instigator, decided that we should go to a hotel and use the hot tub. Well we did, and then the cops were called on us, and now I have a trespassing ticket and a court date on wednesday. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Oh yeah, and calling my Mom and hearing that tone of disappointment...oh yeah, that didn't hurt at all.

But I know what I need to do, at least what I think I need to do.

I have to come home, I love college but its not what I need right now, and this is one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in a long time. I have incredible friends up here, who if I said "no, I can't hang out, I have to study" they would completely understand, but I don't, all the blame here is on me. So I need to sacrifice, I've fucked up my chances of getting into the PT school up here for the first 2 times that I apply, and what the fuck am I gonna do with a bachelors in exercise science, or in psychology? Absolutely nothing. So I've decided that I'm going to go home, and go to Gateway and get my associates as a Physical Therapy Assistant. At least with that I can get a job at a clinic that isn't just a tech.

I'm gonna miss Flagstaff, I'm going to miss my friends, I'm going to miss the freedom.

Fuck growing up and having to deal with the mess that I have made.

...fuck

Been house sitting/dog sitting for a co-worker for the past couple of days. She goes to Tahiti for 4 days...I get to stay in an apartment...not quite a fair trade off, but I'll take it. Also rented a couple of movies, if any of you are looking for a good independent movie, rent Lightning Bug, its good stuff.

But in general, not too much has been going on. My weekly grab-some-food-and-hang-out-with-Erin, outings have been good, got to meet someone in her family (I say someone cause she would say aunt, but its something like second cousin or some other weird little path). I've been working out at least twice a week, its good to have a almost constant state of muscle soreness going on, it feels good, I've missed it.

Work is still great, although unfortunately the new therapist had to leave, a little sad, she was really fun to work with. But she gave me a nice little ego boost when she told me that she'll miss me to, I'm the best tech that shes ever worked with, so yeah, I got a big ol' grin on my face and gave her a big hug.

...hmm what else can I ramble on about. Oh yeah, my sister and I are gonna get matching tattoo's. It's been an idea floating around in my head, and turns out she was thinking about a phoenix thing too, so we're both gonna get the same one. I'm all kinds of excited about it. I've started to use my friends apartments and start cooking. Started simple, chicken tacos, but got them to taste just like my madres, so I'm happy, so I'll go a little more difficult this next time, and go with some enchiladas and rice, then I figure I should learn how to make my moms salsa, and possibly start selling that stuff, make me some more money.

yeah, I'm done for now.

The winter break was good. I enjoyed myself and got my raise at work, and hung out with good friends. And oh yeah, that whole raise at work thing was good too, and more importantly, not hurting myself or dying at work is also good. Only one almost death incident, and no extreme pain incidents, so I can't complain.

Now its time to see if I can salvage my overall GPA, I better be able to with the schedule that I have.

I had a great time back home, but I am definitely looking forward to being back in Flagstaff, and hanging out with all my friends up here, and being back at my nice office job that I enjoy so much, even if I'm only going to be working 2 days a week.

But its time for me to get ready to go to work.

Things have been going pretty good this break. I'm finally getting back in the swing of things at work. I have yet to have any unfortunate incidents with any saws or other sharp objects, and I didn't hit myself with a hammer until the 5th day. And even better news, I finally grew a pair and asked my boss for a raise...and I got it. Woot, I went from 8.50 and hour to 10.00 an hour with one simple question. I hope it goes as well when I ask for a raise at my job in Flagstaff.

Aside from work, I've had great times with my family and my sister and her fiance, and my friends. I've already gone to shoot pool 3 times in the first week.

I've also driven a hell of a lot in this first week. One reason being my job. Monday we were in Buckeye (my how fun that was), Tuesday was Coolige (a step up...a baby step), and the rest of the week has been in Cave Creek. But then again, I've also done some unnecessary driving. Going to my sisters house in Scottsdale, and one night (and yes, this is because I wanted to spend time with Kristin) I ended up at 27th ave. and Union Hills...yeah, I do stupid things for girls. But I did meet her mom and her best friend, and am pretty damn sure I made a good impression, so maybe I'll know exactly where we stand in the near future.

Basically that's it. I'm at my sisters house, using her computer, because well, they have high speed, and I can't stand the dial-up at my house. So I avoid the internet as much as possible there. But I need to go and make the drive back...(stupid 101)

Its the 4th, almost done with the semester. Tomorrow is my b-day, I'm getting drunk tonight, and I was drunk last night, and I'll be drunk again tomorrow night. The best idea with finals coming up? Probably not, but you know Im happy and I'm not stressed at all.

Let's go into the reasons as to why I'm happy. First of all, last monday I spent about 11 hours with Kristin. We're getting along really well. Hung out before going to see a movie, then after the movie went and got some dinner, from there we went and shot about 20 games of pool, and from there went back to my room and chilled and talked for another couple of hours. We're still just friends, but who knows where it will go. I honestly don't care all that much right now, I'm just having a good time and enjoying myself. If it leads to something that's great, I can tell that we would get along great, and if we stay friends, that's cool too. Hung out with my other friends the rest of the week, then today I got a call from Kristin asking if I wanted to go hiking with her dog. So I did that, good times. I kinda played the game where we just keep on asking questions the entire time. I busted out my Tiger Town counciling techniques, asking the easy, non threatening questions first, and see if I open up more with my answers, to see if she would open up more, and it worked. Got to know eachother even better. I think I need to see where this thing is going before I permanently get suck in the friend zone. Just want to see if there is a possibility of more or not.

Ok, that's what's going on in the female area. But back to other reasons why I'm happy. I love my job, and I'm kind of sad that I'm not going to be there for winter, but I really want to see my friends down there and work on a construction site again. But last night was our office x-mas party. And I had a really good time. My old co-worker who is going to school in Phoenix now was there, and I met her new guy, and I approve. But she let me know that even if my grades aren't good enough to get into the PT school at NAU, that the school in Phoenix is really good, and has a 95 or 99% of their students pass the PT test. Its just 21,000 a year...
But back to the party, i was being laughed at by my co-workers because the kids started clinging to me, and i spent most of the time being the horse, or tickingling the little kids, or being tickled, or...basically getting worn out by only 3 kids. A 2 year old, a 3 year old and a 6 year old. I was made to look "pretty" by getting a pink feather boa, and yeah...I had a good time. And I got 50 dollars to Outback, which is good, cause I can take Kirstin out, or you know, save it and take someone else out.

But I am using my friends computer right now, because mine is being a pain in the ass and not letting my connect to the internet, and she needs her computer, so I'll have to wait until I'm back home to write anymore.

See everyone in a couple of weeks.

This thanksgiving break was a much needed extended weekend.
My weekend consisted of:
Shooting Pool
Hanging with friends at their apartment
Some family over for Thanksgiving (only 20 or so)
Laughing so hard I was crying
Early morning shooting in the desert
Seeing Rent with friends
Drunken singing by a fire
Choosing a christmas tree for my sister
4 new tires for my truck
A night at the Wrigley Mansion with great people
Getting my Tattoo touched up (hence the burning arm)
and surprisingly enough, plenty of sleep.

Now I just have to make it through a couple more weeks of school (and hopefully salvage my grades)

Oh yeah, and funny side story. At the party I was at where we were singing drunkenly by the fire, Pillar thought it would be a good idea to by a Playboy for me. (who knows where drunk thoughts originate) So to appease the drunk man, (and you know, free porn) I took it home with me, and put in under my mattress until I could pack my stuff and take it with me to Flagstaff. Well on my drive up I realized...just past Payson, that I left that fun little magazine under my mattress....so lets just hope mama doesn't make my bed before christmas break.

So these past 3 nights I've stayed up way to late (3am) just talking and hanging out with this girl I met in my Stats class.
Great for socializing and making new friends...bad for trying to function at work. So this being my 3rd night with only 3 or so hours of sleep, I'm going to see how I do at work today. Yesterday I was pretty much falling asleep while doing the ultrasounds...I think I just need to down a couple of Red Bulls and see how I do.

But working with a bunch of women is fun, because they are so very perceptive. They tell me I look tired. I tell them that, yes I am tired, lack of sleep with do that. They look at me and say, there's a girl isn't there? I then smile and say, oh look I have to get back to work...

And now it is time for me to go to work, hopefully I will make it without passing out...we shall see.

So let me just start this off with....Holy Fucking Shit!!!

Now, allow me to explain. My sister has just recently dropped a couple of bombs on me. Now these are good bombs, but bombs nonetheless.

Bomb number 1. My sister lets me know that within the next 6 or 7 months, she's going to get married.
"Holy shit!"

Bomb number 2. She also wants me to get ordained online and preform the ceremony
"Holy Fucking Shit!"

So this is still fairly recent in my mind...so I'm gonna let it settle before I write anymore.

(By the way, I'm extremely happy for her, I'm just nervous about the whole preforming the ceremony thing)

So my sister and I are totally awesome in a nerdy type of way. We have this little system now, where if we want to know some random little tidbit about popular culture, we'll call each other and ask.
Here's an example from a couple of nights ago. Erin and I were eating dinner at The Place when I get a call.

"Hey Brother"
"Hola Hermana"
"Hey, what's the name of that tv show that Bruce Cambell used to be in, he had that black cowboy as a sidekick..."
"The Adventures of Brisco County Jr."
"Thanks, Bye"
"Bye"

That was the entire conversation. We know that if we get a call like that from each other (most of the time it's her doing the calling) that it isn't a catching up call, we really don't care at the time what the other is up to, I don't ask why she wants to know, and she doesn't ask what I'm doing, she just wants the answer, and I only want to give the answer.

So again, I reiterate, my sister and I rock.

Recently I've been overcome with this huge feeling of apathy. I just don't really care about a lot of things right now. I just kind of want to read, and sleep, maybe watch a movie, or hang out with friends and do absolutely nothing. I should be worrying more about my grades, doing what I can to get my C's or lower up to B's, Which is completely do-able, if I just started to actually study, and go to all my classes. But I just don't care, and I know that I should, because I've all ready fucked up one semester, and I need to get at least a 3.0 this semester to not completely ruin my chances of getting into PT school the first year I apply, or hell, even the second year.
But for some reason, I am completely happy just kind of...existing. I know that I'm making a difference in other people's lives when I'm at work. I'm actually really happy while I'm working, and my boss has recently given me a 20 dollar gift certificate because its evident that I bust my ass and do what is asked of me and usually more. Actually feeling appreciated makes me love work that much more, so I should be doing everything in my power to make the road to becoming a Physical Therapist even easier. But for some reason or another, I'm not.
Hopefully I'll kick my self in the ass and get myself in gear, but I don't know what needs to happen for me to do that.

So yeah, definately decided last Thursday night, to run away down to Tucson on Friday. Made the drive from Flag to Tucson in 3 hours and 15 minutes. New personal best. But yeah, definately had a great weekend, and want to say sorry to all those who I did not inform that I left, and were possibly wondering where I was. However, since no one called, no one was wondering. Sad day. But who cares, I had a damn good time, and am feeling better than I have been in the past few weeks. So fuck gas prices, I don't care if I'm driving 600 miles round trip, it was worth it. Oh yeah, and drinking 13.5 shots of Jack at your ex-girlfriends house, and joking about her new found sexuality to her parents...priceless.

Your wise quote is: "Our greatest glory is not
in never falling, but in rising everytime we
fall" by Confucius.
Yes indeed, you see true strength can only be
seen when a person has "fallen". Only
then one can tell how they will handle it. Just
don't make others fall so you can know who they
really are. You on the other hand may be a very
quick recoverer and don't let people bring you
down. You are your own, and you're fine with
that. Emotional issues are something you handle
rather nicely.


What wise quote fits you? [pics]
brought to you by Quizilla

Supposedly, if you've seen over 70, you have no life. Number the ones you have seen. Be honest!!


(1) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(2) Grease
(3) Pirates of the Caribbean
(4) Boondock Saints
() The Mexican
(5) Fight Club
(6) Starsky and Hutch
(7) Neverending Story
(8) Blazing Saddles
(9) Airplane
(10) The Princess Bride
() Young Frankenstien
() AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
(11) Napoleon Dynamite
(12) Saw
() White Noise
(13) White Oleander
(14) Anger Management
(15) 50 First Dates
() Jason X
(16) Scream
(17) Scream 2
(18) Scream 3
(19) Scary Movie
(20) Scary Movie 2
(21) Scary Movie 3
(22) American Pie
(23) American pie 2
(24) American Wedding
(25) Harry Potter
(26) Harry Potter 2
(27) Harry Potter 3
(28) Resident Evil I
(29) Resident Evil 2
(30)The Wedding Singer
()Little Black Book
(31)The Village
(32)Donnie Darko
(33) Lilo & Stitch
(34) Finding Nemo
(35) Finding Neverland
(36) 13 Ghosts
(37) Signs
(38) The Grinch
(39) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
() White Chicks
(40) Butterfly Effect
(41) 13 Going on 30
(42) I, Robot
(43) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
(44) Universal Soldier
() A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(45) Along Came Polly
(46) Deep Impact
(47) KingPin
(48) Never Been Kissed
(49) Meet The Parents
(50) Meet the Fockers
() Eight Crazy Nights
() A Cinderella Story
(51) the Terminal
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Passport to Paris
(52) Dumb & Dumber
() Dumb & Dumberer
(53) Final Destination
(54) Final Destination 2
(55) Halloween
(56) The Ring
(57) The Ring 2
(58)Harold & Kumar Get the Munchies-I'm assuming this means Go to White Castle
(59) Practical Magic
(60) Chicago
(61) Ghost Ship
(62) From Hell
(63) Hellboy
(64) Secret Window
(65) I Am Sam
(66) The Whole Nine Yards
(67) The Day After Tomorrow
(68) Child's Play
() Bride of Chucky
(69) Ten Things I Hate About You
(70) just Married
() Gothika
(71) Nightmare on Elm Street
(72) Sixteen Candles
() Coach Carter
(73) Bad Boys
(74) Bad Boys 2
(75) Joy Ride
(76) Seven
(77) Ocean's Eleven
() Ocean's Twelve
(78) Identity
(79) Lone Star
(80) Bedazzled
(81) Predator I
(82) Predator II
(83) Independence Day
(84) Cujo
(85) A Bronx Tale
(86) Darkness Falls
(87) Christine
(88) ET
(89) Children of the Corn
() My Boss' daughter
() Maid in Manhattan
(90) Frailty
() Best Bet
(91) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(92) She's All That
() Calendar Girls
(93) Sideways
(94) Mars Attacks
(95)Event Horizon
() Ever After
(96)Forrest Grump
(97)Big Trouble in Little China
(98)X-men
(99)X-2
(100) Jeepers Creepers
(101) Jeepers Creepers 2
(102) Catch Me If You Can
(103)The Others
(104)Freaky Friday
(105) Reign of Fire
(106) Cruel Intentions
(107) The Hot Chick
()Swimfan
(108) Miracle
(109) Old School
() Ray
(110)The Notebook
(111) K-Pax
(112) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(113)Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(114) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(115) A Walk to Remember
()Boogeyman
(116) Hitch
(117) the Fifth Element
(118) Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace
(119) Star Wars Episode II Attack of The Clones
(120)Star Wars Episode III Revenge of The Sith
(121) Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope
(122) Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
(123) Star Wars Episode VI Return of The Jedi...
(124)Troopp Beverly Hills
()Swimming with Sharks
(125) Air Force One
(126)For Richer or Poorer
(127) Transporter
(128) People Under the Stairs
() Blue Velvet
() Sound of Music
(129) Parent Trap 1
() Parent Trap 2
(130) The Burbs
(131) The Terminator
(132) Empire Records
(133)Interview with the Vampire
() SLC Punk
(134) Meet Joe Black
(135)Nightmare Before Christmas
(136)The Silence of the Lambs
(137) Sleepy Hollow
(138) I Heart Huckabees
() 24 Hour Party People
(139) Labyrinth
() The Black Cauldron
(140)Kill Bill Volume One
(141) Kill Bill Volume Two

...I think I watch too many movies...
is there somewhere I can go to get help?

What do you do when the person who made you feel complete, the person who made you feel a happiness that you thought was lost for years to come, the person whose happiness you cared about more than your own, decides that it's over?

"...wondering what to do, but it always comes down to two things; Get busy living, or get busy dying..."

I understand why, I truly do, it's what's best for you...I only wish that what is best for you, could coincide with what I want...

Here's what makes this harder, I don't know which is the truth and which is the lie...In only one month I grew to love you...or that I didn't...
I think that I could decide how to deal with this better if I only knew which was the truth.
But here is an absolute, I am still your friend, and I want to be there to help you with whatever it is you need to figure out.

"And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
but I don't know how..."

(just want to let you know that I'm writing this to help myself...I don't mean to make you feel any worse about your decision, this is just what I need)

This past weekend was not so restful, which is frustrating, thought that I would work, then have time to relax. Unfortunately, this was not the case.
I got up early on Saturday, so I could take off by 7:40am. Drive back to Scottsdale and meet my sisters boyfriend, and guy she's moving in with. Good guy, got along well, we have a lot in common. Doesn't mean that I didn't tell him that I would watch him closely. Anyway, talk with my sister and him for a while, then begin surveying the house, and all that I have to paint.
(I guess some back story would be nice...Sister is moving out of the house, and into this condo in Scottsdale, with her boyfriend. She called me and asked me to help paint, and move her into the house, and like the good little brother that I am, I complied. She just owes me big, cause I didn't get any alcohol or anything good out of it. All she did was give me food, being cheap Mexican labor kind of sucks sometimes...)
So, back to the story, after surveying, sister leaves for work, her boyfriend and I begin talking, getting to know each other. We begin some minor demo, as well as the removal of all light fixtures, blinds, face plates, vent covers, etc. Then its spackle time, wait for it to dry time, then primer time, then wait for it to dry time, then first coat of paint time, then wait for it to dry time, then beer time, then second coat of paint time, wait for it to dry time, then third coat of paint time...then saying damn it all, there's another room...
That gets done eventually, however when we are done, it's late, like midnight-ish. So sleep was calling, and I was most definately answering.
Now I get woken up around 8 or so, to go and pick up the U-haul, then drive to Fountain Hills to begin Moving the boyfriends crap into my sisters place. We make the drive, and nothing is really ready to go... Anyway, not going into too much detail, because if I'm bored writing this, then you are most definitely bored reading this.
So let's make this short, we lifted heavy stuff, I lifted heavy stuff, sister supervised...Drive back, getting late, let them unload the truck, I drive home, visit the parental units. I eat, talk, shower, drive back to help bring heavy shit upstairs. Do that, leave, drive back up to Flagstaff.

So yes, very eventful weekend I know. If you made it through the mundane text above, congrats...you get nothing.